Interview with a Child CEO: How 9-Year-Old Timmy Disrupted the Unionized Lemonade Stand Industry
In the world of anarcho-capitalism, age is just a number; net worth is the only metric that matters. To prove this, we sat down with Timothy “Timmy” von Mises III, the 9-year-old founder and CEO of “Lemonarch Inc.”, a beverage conglomerate that recently consolidated the entire refreshment market of the “Maple Creek Estates” subdivision.
Chad Randian (CR): Timmy, thanks for fitting us in. I know you just finished a hostile takeover of Suzie’s cookie stand.
Timmy von Mises III (TVM3): (Sipping from a juice box) It wasn’t hostile, it was a strategic acquisition. Suzie failed to properly hedge against sugar futures. Her weakness was a market opportunity. It’s basic stuff.
CR: Your business model is famously aggressive. Can you walk us through it?
TVM3: Of course. The problem with traditional lemonade stands is low barriers to entry. Any kid with a pitcher can compete. That’s inefficient. My father provided the initial seed capital of $50,000. First, I used it to buy the exclusive rights to all corner-lot locations from the Homeowners’ Association, which my father also runs. This created a locational monopoly.
CR: Brilliant. What about competitors on non-corner lots?
TVM3: That’s phase two. We initiated a price war, selling our lemonade at a loss. Since my operating budget was effectively infinite, I could sustain it. The other kids, with their pathetic “allowance”-based funding, folded in days. We acquired their assets—card tables, magic markers, half-empty bags of sugar—for pennies on the dollar.
CR: Some would say that’s anti-competitive. The NAP?
TVM3: (Scoffs) Was I aggressive? No. I simply presented my competitors with a series of voluntary choices, the most rational of which was to surrender their market share to a superior enterprise. They weren’t forced; they were optimized. My Justice Score™ is higher than theirs, so my interpretation of the NAP is, by definition, the correct one.
CR: Finally, you’ve received some criticism for employing your 6-year-old brother, Billy, at a rate of one fruit snack per hour.
TVM3: Billy entered into the contract voluntarily. He has shelter, food, and access to premium cable, all funded by Lemonarch. His labor is simply him paying his fair market rent. He’s learning the value of work. What are other six-year-olds learning? The alphabet? Pointless. Billy is learning about fungible assets. He’s way ahead of the curve.
CR: Inspiring stuff. Any final words for aspiring entrepreneurs?
TVM3: Yes. Don’t let things like “school” or “bedtime” get in the way of maximizing shareholder value. And remember: if you’re not crushing your competition, you’re leaving money on the table.
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