The Problem with 'Public' Parks: An Argument for Fee-Based Photosynthesis
Look upon the vast, inefficient expanse of a “public park” and what do you see? Rolling hills of un-leased land. Trees performing photosynthesis without a service-level agreement. Birds chirping without paying royalties. It is the pinnacle of economic irrationality, a festering wound of altruism on the face of an otherwise productive society.
Identifying the Uncaptured Value
The modern statist believes that nature should be “free.” This is a failure of imagination. At ANC4P, we see a portfolio of untapped assets:
- Airspace Leasing: The space above the park can be leased to drone delivery companies or for luxury zeppelin parking.
- Flora-as-a-Service (FaaS): Trees provide shade and convert CO2. This is a valuable service. Access to shade should be tiered, and corporations should be able to purchase carbon credits directly from the tree of their choice.
- Fauna Monetization: Why should bird-watching be free? A subscription model can provide access to view designated “premium” bird species. Squirrels can be rebranded as “mobile, organic protein units,” available for purchase.
- Atmosphere Ticketing: Access to the park itself should, of course, be gated. We envision a system of dynamic pricing based on time of day, air quality, and the current market value of “serenity.”
The LibertyGardens™ Pilot Program
In a recent joint venture, we acquired “Central Park” and rebranded it as “LibertyGardens by Rothburg™”. The results speak for themselves.
The “Great Lawn” has been replaced by the “Goldman Sachs Executive Putting Green.” The Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir is now the “Coca-Cola® Refreshment & Effluent Zone.” The previous problem of homelessness was solved overnight by introducing an entrance fee that vastly exceeds the net worth of the average vagrant.
Productivity in the surrounding corporate towers has increased by 12%, as employees no longer waste time on “free” lunch breaks, opting instead to eat at their desks to avoid the park’s entrance fees. The market has, once again, optimized human behavior for maximum efficiency.
So next time you see a child laughing on a swing in a public park, don’t see joy. See un-billed amortization of recreational assets. See an opportunity for the market to do what it does best: turn pointless leisure into glorious profit.
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